As I gaze at the clock and realize the time that I have wasted, I wonder if I really am capable of having it any other way. Life is fraught with so many questions and obstacles that we are all left with the perpetual what if. If given the opportunity to alter some things in my life, I don't know that I would change things very much. After meditating and having my connection to my beliefs once more renewed, I feel my desire to be the kind of person I can be proud of at a later age and living my life with no regrets is possible. I feel certain of my convictions and I feel more connected to God than I have in a long time. Doubt eats away at you, but pretending you don't doubt eats away your core. My doubts stemmed from a lack of understanding and lack of acceptance that suffering was a part of the world. Many have told me that if there was a God, He would not have allowed the agony that so many people face to exist. If God is all powerful, then he could make it all go away. But God gave us freedoms, he allowed us to make choices about our lives. It is these choices that some have taken so unfortunately that have caused the suffering we see in the world. God could take it all away, but in doing so God would have to take away our rights to live as the individuals we want to be.

I may not be sure of what my future has in store beyond my career goals, but I do know that love will be part of it. This past summer I had the opportunity to experience love. I truly opened my heart to another person and felt the blessing that is having someone return the caring you so freely provide. Giving that up was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. In that I am lucky; my life has been relatively easy if this has been one of my hardest situations. One day circumstances will be simpler and my path will be clearer and I will know what I am supposed to do.

Staring into his eyes always led me to rethink some of my fundamental ideals in life. I wondered if he was the one. I still wonder. And if I were honest with myself, I would admit that part of me thinks he is. I know a lot of it has to do with the boundaries we pushed this summer. At the time everything felt so special and meaningful, but now I cling to memories of our short time together and part of me is ashamed I allowed myself to make myself so vulnerable to him. This all makes it seem like he broke up with me, when such is not the case. I don't know if I could be his wife someday. I don't know if I am willing to make him part of my future, making my future one so far from my childhood aspirations. I know the healthiest thing I could do for myself would be to let him go. It's funny every time I hear let go by the Frou Frou it all seems so simple. Letting go, a beautiful thing, one that brings you such peace- something I can't bring myself to do.

I am determined to see the beauty in letting it go. Perhaps the beauty will come from the new future that freeing myself of my shadows of the past would give me. I don't have any of the answers, it's all uncharted territory, but I refuse to let myself remain lost.