bighopes

2:40

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 09:08:38 GMT

As I gaze at the clock and realize the time that I have wasted, I wonder if I really am capable of having it any other way. Life is fraught with so many questions and obstacles that we are all left with the perpetual what if. If given the opportunity to alter some things in my life, I don't know that I would change things very much. After meditating and having my connection to my beliefs once more renewed, I feel my desire to be the kind of person I can be proud of at a later age and living my life with no regrets is possible. I feel certain of my convictions and I feel more connected to God than I have in a long time. Doubt eats away at you, but pretending you don't doubt eats away your core. My doubts stemmed from a lack of understanding and lack of acceptance that suffering was a part of the world. Many have told me that if there was a God, He would not have allowed the agony that so many people face to exist. If God is all powerful, then he could make it all go away. But God gave us freedoms, he allowed us to make choices about our lives. It is these choices that some have taken so unfortunately that have caused the suffering we see in the world. God could take it all away, but in doing so God would have to take away our rights to live as the individuals we want to be.

I may not be sure of what my future has in store beyond my career goals, but I do know that love will be part of it. This past summer I had the opportunity to experience love. I truly opened my heart to another person and felt the blessing that is having someone return the caring you so freely provide. Giving that up was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. In that I am lucky; my life has been relatively easy if this has been one of my hardest situations. One day circumstances will be simpler and my path will be clearer and I will know what I am supposed to do.

Staring into his eyes always led me to rethink some of my fundamental ideals in life. I wondered if he was the one. I still wonder. And if I were honest with myself, I would admit that part of me thinks he is. I know a lot of it has to do with the boundaries we pushed this summer. At the time everything felt so special and meaningful, but now I cling to memories of our short time together and part of me is ashamed I allowed myself to make myself so vulnerable to him. This all makes it seem like he broke up with me, when such is not the case. I don't know if I could be his wife someday. I don't know if I am willing to make him part of my future, making my future one so far from my childhood aspirations. I know the healthiest thing I could do for myself would be to let him go. It's funny every time I hear let go by the Frou Frou it all seems so simple. Letting go, a beautiful thing, one that brings you such peace- something I can't bring myself to do.

I am determined to see the beauty in letting it go. Perhaps the beauty will come from the new future that freeing myself of my shadows of the past would give me. I don't have any of the answers, it's all uncharted territory, but I refuse to let myself remain lost.

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 08:05:12 GMT

Why have we become such a sex obsessed nation? Since when does that act not have a right to be meaningful? Most importantly, why do I get scorned for having a belief that I should wait? I don't judge others for deciding to have sex premaritally. But I choose to wait. I choose to hold on to the belief that I will find a guy who thinks sex is for those who are committed. If I meet a guy that I believe I can commit to, I will be marrying him. So why does make me unrealistic? I don't think sex is just about pleasure, which is what our society has made it out to be. With this act, there is always (however minute) the possibility of pregnancy. I would never sleep with someone I wouldn't want to potentially have a child with, so waiting until I am married makes more sense. If other people feel differently, at the end of the day it is a personal choice. But why do I get judged for holding onto my beliefs? I don't want lust, I want love and I feel like I would mistake the two pretty easily if sex was thrown in the mix. I want to believe that I will be able to find a guy who feels the same way I do. I want my friends to understand that for me, no matter what they say, I will stick to my guns about this and I don't want to be secretly criticized for it. Call me idealistic, call me whatever you want. But respect my choice and my beliefs even if you don't agree with them.

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 05:47:36 GMT

Just thinking about the years that I have known you, I wonder if there was one day that determined the course of our lives together. If there was one day that set the just friends path in stone. In these years I have grown to know your faults, and I have embraced them. I have grown to know your strengths, and I have been amazed by them. You understand me, yet the one thing I want you to understand the most is the one thing you have missed. Maybe I should have spoken up, maybe I hesitated for a reason, but one way or another all that I have wondered can be summed up in "What if.." I know they say you aren't supposed to live life with regrets, but I fear I stand to lose more than I believe it would happen. I know myself and I know you. I am torn between the want for something greater and the joy of just being close to you. Maybe it isn't meant to be, but how will I ever know if I never ask. I want to tell you. I really do. But somehow I think I already know the answer.

And its not me.